


Open Wounds

by umbridgewasatoad



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Multi, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umbridgewasatoad/pseuds/umbridgewasatoad
Summary: Eventually, Sirius looks up at his best friend before forcing out the words, "I wanted you to be the last.""The last what?""The last to see me alive."And with that, Sirius fell unconscious.-A/N: This story is Wolfstar angst and will contain several potentially triggering topics, such as self-harm, suicidal ideation, addiction, homophobic slurs, and emotional & physical abuse. Read with caution.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	1. Fire Whisky

Sirius knows he needs to stop drinking.

He knows it's not good for him.

But he also knows that it numbs the pain of the insults, the hits, and the crucios.

He didn't plan on taking it this far, but when you're put through pain everyday, you need to numb everyday.

So there Sirius sat, smoking a cigarette and drinking copious amounts of Fire Whisky on an empty stomach, waiting for it's effects to settle in before he makes his way to dinner.

His mother screams his name and he flinches in response. He sets the bottle down, takes an uneasy breath, and stumbles to get up. The room around him sways and he hopes that he's drunk enough to deal with this. He carelessly smothers his cigarette out on his side table, adding yet another burn mark into the wood.

He slowly makes his way down the stairs and into the dining room, where his mother and father are sat at the ends of the table, Regulus in between.

"About time you joined us. It's disrespectful to keep us waiting like this," his mother snapped, contempt clear in her voice. Sirius held back a scoff and clumsily took his seat across from Regulus. The room was cold and devoid of any sort of love and happiness that families are supposed to have. He looks up to see his brother studying him carefully.

"Kreacher! Hurry with dinner already!" His father barks. Sirius sighs, Kreacher being his least favorite of the house elves. His father killed his favorite after finding out that she helped Sirius with his injuries after a beating. He made Sirius watch as he cast the spell.

Kreacher came out, setting their dishes in front of them and bowing deeply before retreating back to the kitchen.

The smell of the meat and potatoes makes Sirius nauseous. He should be starving after a full day of not eating, but he's sick to his stomach. He can't tell if it's from the Fire Whisky or just from being in the presence of his family.

He moves his food around his plate with a fork, not wanting to take a bite.

"Stop being so ungrateful and eat your food!" Sirius looks up at his father, disdain in his eyes.

"I'd reeaally rather not," he hiccups, "father o'mine." His words slurred together and a smug grin was plastered on his face.

"Excuse me? Would you care to repeat that?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "M'sorry, did you not hear me? I said I. Don't. Want. This. Fucking. Food." He's yelling without even realizing it. He knows he's only making things worse for himself, but he can't find himself caring too much. He used to try his hardest to be respectful, but he quickly learned that the beatings will come no matter what because he's "a muggle loving, disgusting, immoral gryffindor," So he might as well allow himself a little bit of fun.

His father stands up so quickly that he knocks his chair over. He whips his wand out and presses it into Sirius's throat. Sirius looks up at his father, darkness filled Orion's eyes, the eyes of a madman.

"CRUCIO!" Excruciating pain filled Sirius's body and he fell out of his chair and toppled to the ground. His mother continued to eat her food as if nothing was happening and Regulus shut his eyes tightly, wishing for this to come to an end.

Sirius writhed on the ground, guttural screams escaping his throat, making it feel like it was being ripped to shreds. Tears squeezed out of his eyes and his vision went completely black. Then, after what felt like an eternity, the pain stopped.

He laid there for a moment, gasping for air and regaining his sight before his father grabbed him by the throat and pulled him up.

Sirius grasped at his father's hands, scratching them and trying to pull them away, but to no avail. He was quickly pinned against the wall, his face mere inches from his father's, "You've been going through our liquor cabinet again, I can smell the Fire Whisky on you. You're nothing but a pathetic, stupid boy. I could kill you right now, just one simple spell."

Sirius stared into the cold slate gray eyes that confronted him, "Then do it." He choked the words out, struggling against the hands that strangled him. His voice lacked any emotion. He was serious, he wanted to die. His father noticed this and laughed, telling Sirius he definitely wasn't just going to be handed death so easily.

"No, no, of course not. I can't simply give you what you want just like that," he tightened his grip around his son's throat and Sirius wheezed in response, "No, I'm going to make you suffer."

He removed one hand from his son's neck and used it to punch him mercilessly. The other hand tightened around Sirius's throat. He watched as his son's face turned red and then started to go blue, and only then did he release him. When Sirius bent over, gasping to fill his lungs, his father planted a blow to his gut. Sirius fell to the floor and a kick swiftly landed in the same area, followed by a couple more. He sputtered up blood and watched as his father's boots made their way back to the table. Orion picked up his chair, sat down, and continued with dinner.

Sirius clenched his eyes shut, arms wrapped around his torso and mouth full of the metallic taste of blood. His ears rang loudly. His drunken state almost completely gone.

He struggled to stand, using the table to pull himself up. He looked at his so called "family," at his parents peacefully eating dinner. He expected to see the same from Regulus, but instead Regulus stared straight down into his lap, breathing quickly. He felt Sirius's eyes on him and looked up to see his broken and bruising brother. After a moment, Regulus seemed to realize where he was and what position he was in and wiped the concern off of his face.

"Go bleed somewhere else." He saw the rejection flash through Sirius's eyes and felt a pang of hurt in his heart, but he didn't show it. Instead, Regulus forced a smile when his father laughed.

At this, Sirius painfully made his way back up to his room, and to a bottle of Fire Whisky and carton of cigarettes both begging to be finished.


	2. The Mark

Sirius stood in his bathroom, staring into the mirror. He didn't recognize the boy that stared back. His face was swollen and already bruising darkly. He could tell a bruise was forming on his throat as well, very clearly in the shape of his father's hands. His nose was also very obviously broken and his lip was busted.

He knows that there's spells to fix these kinds of things, but he also knows he can't do magic during the summer. If he ever gets kicked out of Hogwarts, he will lose everything and everyone that keeps him alive.

He brings his hands up to his face and gently pokes at the tender spots. This brings tears to his eyes, but he continues to inspect his injuries. The more he moves, the more sure he is that he's cracked a rib or two. He lifts his shirt up to see the damage done to his torso. Along with the new bruises that were quickly forming, he also sees past bruises that are fading away. He remembers how each and every one got there.

He doesn't just see bruises though. No, he also sees the way his rib cage and hip bones stick out. He sees the way his stomach has hallowed. He only gets around to actually eating family dinner about once a week, maybe less. Other than that he just survives on things he can sneak out of the kitchen.

He definitely thinks he puts more Fire Whisky into his body than anything else. He lowers his shirt, shuts the lights off and makes his way to his bed. He reaches underneath his bed frame to find his half full bottle, and quickly unscrews the lid and starts self medicating.

He wonders how much it would take to kill him. He's been needing more and more of it to numb lately, and he's curious to know how much it will take for him to pass out and never wake up again. How long will it take him to reach that point? He's almost hoping it will come soon.

He shakes his head, trying to remind himself of how soon 6th year starts. If Sirius can wait out just a little bit more of this bullshit, he gets nine months of his parents not being able to lay a single finger on him.

He takes another swig from the bottle and reaches over to light a cigarette. He begins to wonder what's going to happen with his little drinking and smoking problem at Hogwarts. Hopefully he won't feel the need for it, but what happens if he does?

Suddenly, there's a voice outside of his room.

"Sirius, I do hope you learn your lesson soon and stop disappointing all of us." It's his mother's voice, accompanied by its usual bitterness.

He hears her walk away and begins laughing hysterically. Tears stream down his face and his entire torso screams in pain as he heaves out maniacal laughs. Sirius knows that there's nothing funny about the situation he's in, but he can't help but find the comedy in his mother's words. After years of this shit, she still says the same words to him every time.

It's obvious to both her and him that he won't be "learning his lesson" anytime soon. What she truly wants is for him to be gone, because when it comes down to it, he isn't a son anymore. He's just her biggest mistake. He knows that she often tells the other pure blood families that Regulus is her only son. She wishes that were true.

He also knows that those families are aware of his mother's lies. They let it slide, though. They all know about the pure blooded Black child who landed himself in Gryffindor and has muggle born friends. They shudder at the thought of their children doing the same.

He continues laughing until they turn into sobs. His sore body is wracked with heavy cries. His chest feels like caving in on itself out of sadness and he chugs so much Fire Whisky that his throat burns. Eventually, he feels his body go numb, and in an effort to feel something - _anything_ \- he puts his cigarette out against his abdomen. This brings a type of pain that he's grown to find strangely comforting, and it also brings a circular burn mark to match all the others.

Finally, he drifts off to sleep, and through the thin walls, Regulus sadly sighs. He doesn't like that Sirius is in so much pain but he doesn't know if there's anything he can do about it without risking his own safety.

...

Hours later, Sirius wakes up and immediately sprints to his bathroom, vomiting up nothing but stomach bile and what might be blood. He's honestly not that bothered by it anymore. He simply wipes his mouth, flushes, and brushes his teeth.

He lays back in bed, not really planning on getting up again for the rest of the day. He'd rather wrap himself in blankets and let the world around him slowly drift away. The universe definitely works against him, though, and around noon he hears his name being called from downstairs.

This is highly unusual, but he drags himself out of bed anyways. As he arrives downstairs, he sees none other than the only man his father respects: Voldemort.

Sirius knows that Voldemort has been frequenting the house since the war started in 1970, but he had only been face to face with him a couple of times. Voldemort appears even paler, thinner, and more snake-like every time Sirius sees him.

"Hello Sirius," he shudders at the sound of Voldemort's voice, "I've heard much about you lately." He surveys Sirius, obviously meaning that he's heard a lot about how disrespectful Sirius is towards any Death Eater standards his parents try to push upon him.

Sirius simply nods in response to the pale man, not knowing why he's been called down to speak with him.

"Orion, why don't you tell the boy why he's here?" His father, a loyal and pathetic soldier to his "Lord", quickly does as told.

"Sirius, we've decided that it's time for you to take on the Dark Mark. Regulus takes it next year and you need to start leading an example for your brother. This mark will show your pure blood status to the world, and we think that's exactly what you need."

Sirius takes a step back, he never imagined his parents would do this to him. He hoped that they had determined him unworthy of it.

His mother chimes in, "Yes, you can't continue to associate with such disgusting breed of wizard. We want you claimed as part of Voldemort's army. That way, you'll have no choice but to act like one of us."

Sirius finds himself frozen in place, his throat too tight to squeeze out words. He could never return to Gryffindor if branded with the Dark Mark and his parents are well aware of that.

The world seems to move in slow motion as Voldemort rises out of his seat and walks towards him, "Your arm?"

Sirius doesn't move a muscle. He simply stares at the floor, hands clenched into tight fists. He'd rather let this man kill him than throw away all of his morals.

Voldemort repeats his demand more firmly, before resigning to just grabbing Sirius's arm. He flips it to see the inside of the boy's wrist. Sirius struggles against Voldemort's grasp, causing the man to dig his nails into Sirius's skin so violently that Sirius's blood begins to seep out from underneath Voldemort's long fingernails.

Voldemort takes his wand out of his robe and points it at Sirius's wrist. His parents watch eagerly, waiting to watch their son's identity be torn away from him.

Right as Voldemort presses his wand down, Sirius manages to rip his arm out of the man's clutches. He's filled with more adrenaline than he thought humanly possible. He can hear his parents screaming at him and feels Voldemort attempt to grab him as he begins to make a dash up the stairs.

When Sirius gets halfway up the stairs, he starts to feel painful hexes being hurled at him. They bounce off the walls and some of them graze him as he runs, leaving a searing pain where they hit. Once he reaches the top, he hears an Avada Kedavra being formed and quickly dives around the corner. He runs into his room and locks the door, even though all that does is make them spend an extra three seconds casting Alohomora.

He hears footsteps start to come up the stairs as he loads a bag with the clothes scattered around on his floor and one of the bottles of Fire Whisky and a couple cartons of cigarettes from under his bed. He hears voices down the hall and knows that they're near. He opens the window and looks down two stories to the ground. He hears the door knob jiggle and doesn't even hesitate before throwing his bag on and jumping to the ground outside.

His body fills with pain as he hits the ground, every bruised and broken area igniting at once, but he knows he can't acknowledge it. He gets up and sprints across the yard and into the distance, until he eventually reaches a street and hails the Knight Bus.

They see the boy's bruises and tears and they're are obviously taken aback. Sirius isn't sure what to tell them when they ask where he wants to go, so he sputters out the first address that comes to mind. He then takes a bed in the very back and nurses his bottle of Fire Whisky the entire ride. 

Not long after, the drunk, bruised, and starving boy finds himself on the Potter's doorstep.


	3. The Potter's

James Potter hasn't stopped complaining about how "absolutely positively bored" he is all day. The summers have been so uneventful the past couple of years. Remus's parents are often too nervous to let him leave the house on his own, Sirius's parents are assholes that keep him cooped up in "the nightmare house" (as Sirius so fondly calls it), and quite frankly James is a bit tired of only hanging out with Peter.

So that's why James was sprawled out on the floor of his living room at 4pm on a Saturday, moaning about his boredom as his dad pretends to listen. He knew his dad was busy reading, but he's too bored to care. He _would_ be complaining to his mum, but she's preparing dinner and he knows not to annoy her while she cooks.

All of the sudden there's a knock on the door and James eagerly jumps up, craving a conversation with literally anyone, even if they're just selling something.

James opens the door to find someone very different from a salesman. Instead he finds his best friend Sirius, but he hardly looks like himself.

He gasps as he takes in Sirius's thin and swaying figure. He sees the bruises that cover his face and the dry blood on his shirt. He sees the way Sirius's bones protrude and can't help but feel like he's staring at the ghost of his best friend. 

"Sirius, what the hell happened?"

"James," Sirius forces the name through his tight and sore throat. Behind the raw sound of his voice, James can hear relief and sadness overtake him. He quickly puts his arm around Sirius to support him as he leads him into the house.

"Come on," James says softly to Sirius, his voice filled with concern, "I'll just put you on the couch." Sirius grunts in response. James can tell he's drunk off his ass, but at 4 in the afternoon?

As he brings Sirius into the living room, his dad looks up and is shocked at what he finds. Although he had seen the boy countless times, it still takes him a moment to identify him as Sirius. Once he tears his eyes away from the injures and realizes the state that Sirius is in, he jumps off the couch to help James lay the poor boy down.

His mum comes into the living room to see who came to the door, but she definitely didn't expect to see her son's best friend on their couch, looking more like a skeleton than a person.

She moves James and Fleamont out of the way and leans over the boy, "Sirius, honey? What happened?" Without even getting too close, she can smell the booze as if it was wafting out of every pore on his body.

He opens his mouth to answer, but instead he leans over the couch dry heaving, his body attempting to purge his system of nearly an entire bottle of Fire Whisky, but only a little bit of liquid dribbles out.

"Sirius, I'm going to get you some food, okay? James stay here and keep him awake." She orders, before grabbing Fleamont and taking him into the kitchen with her. He begins to search for a bucket for the boy to throw up in as she tries to find food for him that will soak up the booze.

James kneels next to the couch and tries to ask Sirius what happened, but he doesn't even try to answer. Instead, tears escape Sirius's eyes as he tries his hardest to avoid eye contact with his best friend.

The spend a few moments in silence, James not knowing what to say and Sirius too pained to explain what happened.

Eventually, Sirius looks up at his best friend before forcing out the words, "I wanted you to be the last."

"The last what?"

"The last to see me alive."

And with that, Sirius fell unconscious.

That's also when Euphemia, standing in the doorway with a turkey sandwich in hand, decides that the boy in her living room will never be a Black again, and James will cease to be an only child.


	4. Cuts and Burns

James paced back and forth in his bedroom, trying to figure out what to do with the boy laying in his bed. Sirius had been asleep for hours, occasionally thrashing back and forth.

James found himself increasingly concerned, especially as he noticed more and more injuries on Sirius that he didn't see in the panic of dragging him into the house. Dark bruises circled around his neck, crescent shaped cuts lined his forearm, and bruises trailed underneath his shirt. James wondered what injuries lie under his clothes.

He was going to change Sirius into clean clothes once they got him upstairs into James's bed, but he was too afraid too wake him. He could tell that Sirius needed the sleep.

"No, no, no, please!" Sirius screams and pleads in his sleep. James whips around in shock. He doesn't know whether he should wake him up and save him from the nightmare or let him get the sleep he obviously needs.

"Please, don't, it hurts!" Merlin, he can't listen to his best friend in all this pain. James shakes Sirius awake. He doesn't awaken at first, but when he does, he instantly sits up and gasps for air. He doubles over into himself, hands around his neck, coughing and wheezing.

"Sirius? Sirius, are you okay?" James tries to calm him down, but the coughing continues so he reaches for the glass of water sitting on his nightstand.

"Try drinking this." Sirius quickly grabs the cup and gulps the entire glass. When he's done, he sets the cup down and turns to James, who is now sitting at the end of the bed.

They stare at each other for a moment, Sirius's breath still ragged. Neither of them seemed to know what to say to each other. James isn't sure if he should ask Sirius what's going on or if he should just wait for Sirius to open up to him, so he just settles with "Uh, you want a clean change of clothes?"

Sirius nods in response, and James gets up and makes his way to his wardrobe. He pulls out a pair of flannel joggers 0and an old shirt and hands them over to Sirius.

"Thank you," Sirius's words come out raspy and weak, as if his throat was ripped to shreds. The sound is so jarring coming from the usually confident and well spoken boy that James nearly comments on it, but then he remembers the bruises around Sirius's neck and decides not to say anything about it.

He gives Sirius a small smile and begins to make his way to the door, before stopping and saying, "I'll be downstairs. Mum put a sandwich in the fridge for you when you're done cleaning up." And with that he exits the room and closes the door behind him.

Behind the door, Sirius slowly begins to get out of James's bed, his head pounding. He makes his way to the mirror and wonders what the Potter's must think of him. He looks horrible. His hair is nearly greasier than Snape's, his eyes and cheeks are sunken in, and he's still got dried blood painting much of his body. He sighs and makes his way to James's bathroom to take a shower.

He lets the water warm up as he slowly undresses, being very careful because sudden movements hurt his sore body (and his rib that is probably broken). He manages to get his shirt and trousers off when he notices that he left the clean change of clothes on James's bed.

He exits James's en suite bathroom, clad in nothing but his boxers, at the same time that James opens the bedroom door, stopping in both boys in their tracks, "Oh, sorry, I-uh, I heard the water and-" he stops.

Sirius can tell he's looking at his chest and thighs, and at the bruises, cuts, and cigarette burns that cover the skin there.

"Sirius..." For once in his life, James Potter is rendered speechless.

Sirius takes a step back, and then turns back into the bathroom.

James quickly makes his way across the room, "No, Sirius, you can't just pretend that I didn't see-"

He's cut off when Sirius doesn't close the door in his face, and instead shuts the water off and turns back towards James, "Yeah," Sirius sighed, his voice still sounding strained and tired, "I know."

"Oh," James breathes out, not expecting that answer, "okay." He sits down on the end of his bed as Sirius puts a shirt back on and then leans against the wall across from him.

Sirius crosses his arms across his chest, "You're obviously going to make me have this discussion, so hurry it up. I _need_ a shower."

James clears his throat, trying to find a way to begin this, "The cuts and burns...they don't look like they're from your dad."

The other boy stays silent, his gaze carefully avoiding James's.

"Sirius...where did the cuts and burns come from?"

"You know how my parents are!" Sirius bluffs, but James has known him far too long to be fooled.

"Yes I do know how they are, but you know what else I know? You've never ran away like this before, and I also know that you're the only one in your family that smokes cigarettes," he gestures toward the cigarette burns, "You started smoking just to piss them off, so I'm going to ask again and I want the truth. Where did they come from?"

Sirius grits his teeth and looks down at the ground. Telling James that he inflicted them upon himself isn't going to make this situation any easier, "Really, James, they're from my dad."

"Bullshit! Did your dad also fill you with Fire Whisky and place you on my doorstep?"

"...No," he scoffs, "Not directly, anyways." He laughs bitterly, but James doesn't join in, instead he looks on in sadness. There's nothing funny about Sirius's situation.

"Can we not joke around right now? I'm concerned about you. You look like a fucking ghost, Sirius! What the hell happened?"

Sirius looks away from James, mad at himself for making his best friend so concerned about him. He stares at the ground, and fighting back tears he says, "It just all got so hard."

He slid down the wall and landed on the ground, putting his head in his hands, and he let out everything he had been feeling. He told James everything. He told him about the starvation, the alcoholism, the abuse, the self harm, and even Voldemort.

And through all this, James sat on the bed and didn't utter a word. He let Sirius purge it all from his brain, and he began to cry along with him.

Finally, when Sirius was done, James stayed silent for a moment. He didn't exactly know what to say. What do you say when your best friend tells you something so massive? So heavy? He knew Sirius's home life was bad, but _bloody hell_.

"Sirius, I promise that you never have to go back there again. Mum said you can live here with us."

"Really?" Sirius's tear-stained face looked happy for a moment before falling back into a frown, "Are you sure I wouldn't be a burden?"

James laughed, "Sirius, you're my brother now! You're only a burden when you turn my dinner to slugs!"

"That was only once!" Sirius lied.

"Oh yeah, once, sure!" The boys laughed, and laughing had never felt better.

James gets up off the bed, "C'mon, get up," he forces Sirius off the ground and opens his arms wide.

"No, no, no, I've had enough emotional intimacy for the day," Sirius tries to dodge the hug.

"Nope! We're doing this! Hug your brother, goddammit!" James forces Sirius into a tight hug, but not tight enough to hurt the injured boy.

As they pull away from the hug, James jokes, "Alright, now take a shower. You reek!" Which leads Sirius to promptly shove him as he laughs, and then turns back towards the bathroom.

He stops right before closing the door, "James...thank you. Really, thank you." James smiles and then watches as Sirius closes the door behind him.


	5. Back To Hogwarts

Sirius wakes up and realizes that today is the first day back at Hogwarts. He spent the last month and a half with Euphemia practically force feeding him and James trying his best to hide all of the Fire Whisky from him. Remus and Peter knew that he was staying with James, but he told James several times that they cannot, under any circumstances, come over while he still looked like a dead man walking.

Sirius definitely looks slightly better, but not a whole lot. The bruises faded a while ago, the injuries healed and he doesn't look starved anymore, but he's still too skinny. His face is still sunken in and the bags under his eyes are still as dark as they were a month and a half ago. He still gets the nightmares, he still smokes, and he still has fresh cuts and cigarettes burns in hidden places just so he could feel _something_.

He pulls his blanket over his head and tries to quiet all the thoughts, but he can't. He isn't ready to be back at Hogwarts. He isn't ready for Remus to see him. He doesn't want to be looked at with pity by one of the people most important to him. What if Remus hears his nightmares? What if he sees the cuts and the burns?

Maybe he should've told James how he feels about Remus, he thought about telling him all summer, but Sirius doesn't even fully know what to call these feelings. He knows that Remus being near him makes his mind feel foggy and his stomach feel funny. He can't focus when Remus is around, he just wants to stare at the freckles that scatter over the boy's face and the way his lips curve perfectl-

"Oi! Sleepy head! Mum is making breakfast!" James shouts through the door. How is he so loud this early?

"Quiet your bloody screaming," Sirius groans, ripping the blanket off, "I'll be down in 15."

Sirius forces himself out of bed and clumsily makes his way around the room that they gave him and to his carton of cigarettes. He lights one and let's the smoke fills his lungs and empty his brain. He goes over to the open window and blows it out into the crisp morning air, watching as it dissipates.

He tries to tell himself to just act normal around Remus.

What even is normal, though? How does he act normal around Remus when he knows he still looks like hell? How does he act normal around Remus in general?

Merlin, he needs to calm down. He takes another long drag off his cigarette and tries to convince himself that everything is going to be fine and that his funny feelings around Remus mean nothing.

Sirius finishes off his cigarette, gets dressed, packs his case, and makes his way downstairs. He picks at his pancakes all through breakfast, and James keeps casting concerned looks at him. Sirius ends up only eating a quarter of his breakfast, but he promises Euphemia that it was delicious, and says he's just not feeling very well. She nods understandingly as she takes away his plate.

It's not completely a lie, he really doesn't feel good. He's hardly left the house since he arrived a month and a half ago, James even picked up his school supplies for him because Sirius didn't want to risk running into his family at Diagon Alley.

Sirius's anxieties are only eased by watching James running around like a lunatic, trying to last minute pack all of his things. Sirius laughs as James races upstairs, looking for his broom care kit. Euphemia chases after him, telling him that they only have a couple of minutes before they have to leave.

Sirius grabs his case out of his room and waits by the door until James's madness ends and they make their way to Platform 9 & 3/4.

When they arrive, Sirius takes a deep breath before running through the barrier. He tries to control his nerves, he's afraid they'll make him say something stupid to Remus.

Once he crosses over, he sees James already headed towards the train, too excited to wait for Sirius. He chases him all the way to their usual compartment and they see that they're the first ones there.

It hits Sirius that Remus is going to be here any minute and he sits down, his hands shaking and his legs bobbing up and down.

"Mate, you okay?" James asks, concern obvious in his voice.

"Yeah, just craving a cigarette is all," Sirius lies and puts his head in his hands. James can tell that's not all, but doesn't get the chance to press further.

"James! Sirius!" Peter yells as he enters and immediately plops himself down next to James. Sirius looks up expecting to see Peter, but instead he sees someone's hips right at his eye level. He follows them up to see Remus and _fuck did he really get that tall?_

Remus stares back at Sirius for a moment, taking in the sickly looking boy's appearance, before sitting down next to him, "So, James didn't kill you over the summer?"

Sirius laughs and tries to calm the butterflies in his stomach as he forces himself to look anywhere except Remus's hazel eyes, which were studying Sirius carefully.

"Oi, I'll have you know that I am a very good host!" James shouts back, but Sirius shakes his head at that.

"No, you spent the entire last month talking about your new plan to 'Sweep Lily Evans off of her feet'!" Sirius exclaims, mocking James.

Peter sits up excitedly, asking James what his new plan is, but Sirius cuts him off before he gets to explain it, telling Peter it's "worthy of a restraining order".

Remus laughs softly next to him and _Merlin if that isn't music to Sirius's ears!_ Sirius considers lighting a cigarette right then and there just to calm himself down. James sees Sirius's distress and furrows his eyebrows at him, but Sirius just shakes his head in response.

As if Sirius wasn't already flustered enough, Remus falls asleep halfway through the train ride and his head falls to rest on Sirius's shoulder. He considers moving the sleeping boy, but doesn't want to wake him.

He loves the way he can feel Remus's soft, warm breath. He freezes every time Remus shifts in his sleep, but the boy's head never moves from it's place on Sirius's shoulder, and he stays asleep the rest of the train ride.

Sirius wonders what James and Peter must think of this, but looks up to see them lost in a conversation about tricking Lily into going on a date with James. Sirius rolls his eyes and spends the rest of the ride in silence, careful not to wake the sleeping werewolf, and wondering how in the world he's going to survive this year without snogging him.


	6. The Full Truth

"Rem? Remus? We're here," Sirius softly shrugs his shoulder, "You have to wake up now, c'mon, everyone else already left."

Remus's eyes slowly flutter open to see Sirius's face very close - incredibly close - and he takes a moment, stuck in those deep gray eyes. Suddenly, he realizes his head is on Sirius's shoulder and he jumps up.

"Oh, fuck, sorry! I've just been so tired with the recent full moon and all and, Merlin, I'm sorry." He blushes as he stumbles over his words, avoiding eye contact.

"It's fine, I could tell you needed the sleep." Sirius tries to hide his disappointment at how quickly Remus jumped up, as if Sirius's shoulder was a hot stove. He should've expected that, honestly, Remus doesn't think of him like that.

"We should get going, don't want the train to leave with us still on it," Sirius bends over to fish a cigarette out of his bag. Upon bending over, though, he puts pressure on the fresh burns along his abdomen and grunts painfully.

Remus takes a step closer to Sirius, who is still bent over, hands on his knees, breathing deeply, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Sirius snaps back, grabbing a cigarette and picking up his bag. He tries to swiftly exit the compartment, but Remus stops him, grabbing him by the wrist to pull him back.

Sirius yelps in pain and tears Remus's hand off of his wrist, "Remus, I said I am fine." Anger seeps into his words.

Remus is frozen in shock, Sirius has never gotten angry with him before, "I'm sorry, I just...you don't seem fine." Remus looked at Sirius sadly, concern flooding into every syllable.

"Even if I wasn't fine, I don't need pity." And with that, Sirius swiftly exists the train. Remus didn't chase after him, and he beats himself up over thinking that maybe Remus _would_ chase after him.

Sirius realizes he missed all of the carriages to the castle and breaks into a run, just wanting to find somewhere to sit and smoke and cry.

Meanwhile, Remus slowly makes his way off the train, head hanging down, wondering what he did to make Sirius so angry. He knows Sirius had a rough summer, but he's never seen him like this. He should've just left him alone.

By the time Remus makes it to the Great Hall, the sorting is over, the feast was near to being finished, and Sirius was nowhere to be seen. He sat himself down across from James, who immediately begins bombarding Remus with questions about where he's been and why Sirius isn't with him.

Instead of answering his questions, Remus asks, "What the fuck happened this summer?"

James tilts his head, confused, "What do you mean? Where is he? Is he okay?"

"Well I asked him if he was and he yelled at me, so I think that's a no."

"Wait, Sirius _yelled_ at you?" He exclaims, the shock evident in his voice. Remus nods in response and James finds himself nervous. Sirius has never gotten angry at any of them before, unless yelling at Peter for chewing with his mouth open counts.

James tells Remus to stay and eat while he goes to find Sirius, "I'll meet you in the common room later, okay?" Remus nods and James takes off, causing a lot of heads to turn and watch as he runs through the Great Hall and storms out the doors.

He makes a list of all the places Sirius could be in his mind, and decides to make a beeline for the lake. He knew it was the right place once he got close enough to smell cigarette smoke. He followed that smell to a tree on the outskirts of the lake, and there Sirius sat, sobs wracking his body and a cigarette barely hanging on between his fingers.

James sits down next to him and wraps him arms around him, hugging him firmly, "Hey, it's alright, breathe." His cries continue, so James grabs Sirius by the shoulders and instructs him to follow his breathing. After a few minutes, Sirius's breath steadies and he begins to apologize.

"Don't be sorry, it's alright, you've been stressed." James tries to level with him.

"No, it's not, I yelled at Remus!" He's not sobbing anymore, but he's still crying, obviously beating himself up about it.

"Sirius, really, I'm sure he'll understand if you explain," James tries to keep his voice soothing.

Sirius laughs, "That's funny!"

"How is that funny?" He tries hard to be patient, but he doesn't understand why Sirius is laughing.

"Because I can't explain, I can't tell him!" He's yelling now.

"What do you mean? Why can't you tell him? You can trust him just as much as you trust me," James places a hand on Sirius's back, trying to calm him down before he goes into hysterics again.

Sirius shakes his head, taking a drag of his cigarette before saying, "No, it isn't the same, I can't tell him the truth!"

"Sirius, is there something you aren't telling me?"

The other boy rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

"You can tell me anything, you know that right?"

He lifts his head, looking James dead in the eyes, "You want the full truth?"

"Of course," James keeps steady eye contact, trying to show him that he's open to whatever he's hiding.

Sirius takes a deep breath, and reveals to James something that he's never even said to himself, "I'm in love with Remus."

James sits in shocked silence, connecting so many dots at once. That's why he refused to let Remus see him while he recovered this summer, and that's why he was acting so oddly on the train.

"Fuck, there it is! I'm in bloody love with Remus fucking Lupin!" Sirius shouts into nothing other than the air surrounding him.

"Sirius, I don't know what to say. I hope you know Remus isn't mad at you for yelling, and he would never judge you."

"I know, but there's no way he would ever like me back, he's not even gay!" The word felt foreign in his mouth, but it also felt so _right_.

"Gay," Sirius scoffed, "I'm gay. Merlin, I'm gay!" He feels like he's known for so long, but never wanted to acknowledge it. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't, which led to a rather unfortunate snogging session with Marlene in the Astronomy Tower (who later told him she thinks she's into girls).

"And that's okay! You're still the same person, Sirius, and I wouldn't be so sure about Remus being straight," James raises an eyebrow at him, "I might even go gay for you."

"Oh, shut up, you know that isn't true! Especially with Lily walking around," Sirius jokes, sniffling and taking one last drag of his cigarette before putting it out in the dirt.

"Okay, maybe you're right, but I'm not joking about Remus. I'm not saying you have to go admit your love to him, but keep an open mind, alright?"

"Yeah, alright, maybe."

"Ace, now let's go inside, it's getting cold," James gets up off the ground and pulls Sirius up with him.

Sirius can't help but smile thinking about what James said. Imagining a world where Remus might like him back sounds heavenly, but even if it was true, Sirius is still so broken. Remus deserves better than someone who's mind and body are both covered in open wounds.


	7. Talk To Him

Remus paced back and forth in the common room, his stomach turning. He can't believe he made Sirius yell at him. Something is definitely wrong, Remus could see the pain in his eyes, and why was he so thin? He was close to wasting away. Why wouldn't Sirius just talk to him?

Peter sighed, "Bloody hell Rem, your pacing is only making you more anxious at this point! C'mere," he patted the space next to him on the couch, "Just sit and take a breath."

Remus threw himself down on the sofa, huffing and burrowing himself into his sweater. His thoughts were bouncing around in his head so quickly that he could hardly interpret them.

"I really wouldn't get that worked up about it, I mean you know how Sirius can be sometimes. He prides himself in how broody he can be! This is probably just one of his moods, you know?"

Remus shook his head fervently, "No, this is more than that. He's never lashed out at me before, and he seemed...different?" Remus bit his nails in between sentences, "I don't know, maybe you're right, but my gut says it's more than that."

Peter furrows his brow, trying to figure out what to say next, but suddenly the common room door opened and James and Sirius came through. Remus whipped his head around, his eyes fixated on Sirius, but Sirius just looked straight at the ground. He rushed past the group, mumbling a faint "goodnight" as he went up the stairs to their room.

Remus felt like he was going to cry. He buried his head into his hands, trying to fight off the tears. Meanwhile, James fell into the chair across from him, leaning forward as he glanced between Peter and Remus. He wrung his hands together, not sure what to tell them.

"Moony," he began, "don't blame yourself for anything, alright? He's just having a tough time right now, he didn't mean anything by it."

The boy raised his head, "Why didn't he want to see us this summer?"

James froze, he didn't have an excuse ready, "What? I never said he didn't want to see you."

Remus shook his head, "Come on James! He runs away to yours and suddenly we aren't allowed over for the rest of the summer? What happened?"

James took a moment before sighing, "That's really not for me to say."

This, of course, was not the answer Remus was searching for, but he understood. Obviously if something happened, it's up to Sirius to tell him, but why wouldn't he? Does he not trust Remus anymore?

Peter bounced his eyes between the two; the silence in the air too tense for him. He never knew what to do in situations like this. He decided on simply putting a comforting hand on Remus's back.

Remus sat in deep thought for a moment, feeling the concerned looks from his friends boring into him. They probably think he's overreacting, because who has a whole meltdown over a small tiff?

James rips him out of his thoughts, "You know, you could go try to talk to him before he goes to bed. You might even be able to cheer him up." Not even James is sure if this is the absolute right thing to do here, but he can tell Remus is hurting.

"Yeah, yeah, I suppose," Remus pulled himself off the sofa, rubbing his hands on his jeans nervously, "Sorry, I'm just tired with the recent full moon is all. You're right, thank you."

Remus slowly ascended the stairs, trying to think of what to say to Sirius. He stood outside of the door for a moment and took a deep breath before reaching a shaky hand forward and opening the door, only to find the room empty.

He looked around confused, he could smell cigarette smoke, so Sirius was obviously here recently. Did he slip back out without anyone noticing? No, of course not, he would've had to go through the common room. Right then, Remus noticed that the window was open. He approached it and stuck his head out, spotting Sirius sitting on the edge of the roof.

Remus stood and watched him, observing how he seemed to cave in on himself. He sat with his knees tucked to his chest, his cigarette dangling from his slender fingers. His body shook, almost like he was crying. Wait, is he crying?

Slowly and carefully, Remus climbed onto the roof, careful not to scare Sirius. As he came closer he began to hear quiet sobs coming from the fragile looking boy. Remus has never seen him crumble like this before, it's strange coming from someone who usually works very hard to hide his emotions.

"Pads?" Sirius turned his head around so fast that Remus swore he could've broken his neck, "Sorry, I just wanted to check in on you and say I'm sorry about earlier." He sat down next to him, Sirius's eyes watching him the entire time, tears silently falling from them.

Sirius stared at the scarred and freckled boy for a moment, watching how the setting sun's light danced in his eyes. Remus cleared him throat, snapping Sirius out of his daze. He looked away, his face burning and his throat tight. He wiped the tears off of his face before taking a drag of his cigarette.

"If you don't want to talk to me, that's okay," His voice cracked, "I'm just sorry I made you angry."

Sirius looked up to see the boy's eyes brimming with tears, "Of course I want to talk to you, I just...I don't know what you want me to say." He shrugged his shoulders.

"You don't _have_ to say anything. You can just sit here and continue to be sad if you would like," Remus chuckled dejectedly, "I just wasn't sure if you wanted my sad company to add to it."

Sirius smiled past the tears, his grey eyes lighting up and making Remus's heart skip a beat, "You know I'd love your sad company."

They sat there for a moment, Sirius watching the sunset behind the mountains, and Remus watching him. He watched as Sirius's lips wrapped around a cigarette, the smoke tumbling into the crisp air.

Sirius broke the silence, "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Remus nodded, _"You're beautiful,"_ He thought.

Sirius looked at his friend and let out a light laugh, "What's on your mind, Moons?"

"Oh, nothing, it's nothing." A rosy red appeared under his freckles, "I was just thinking about all the lung cancer you're going to get."

Sirius rolled his eyes, taking an extra long drag of his cigarette before blowing all of the smoke in Remus's face, "Live a little, Rem."

"Well I'm most definitely going to outlive you, does that count?" Remus teased, playfully bumping his shoulder into Sirius's.

"Yeah," Sirius sighed morosely, "You're spot on with that prediction. "

Remus's heart sank at the sadness in Sirius's voice, "What do you mean?"

Sirius saw the pain in Remus's face, immediately wishing he never said anything. He shook his head, avoiding eye contact. Why couldn't he allow himself to have a nice moment?

"Pads?" Remus placed his hand on Sirius's shoulder, trying to get him to look him in the eyes, "What does that mean?"

"Nothing, I just mean I have a funny feeling you're right." He shrugged the hand off of his shoulder.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" Remus said pointedly, his eyes so filled with concern that Sirius nearly spilled all of his secrets right then and there, but instead he simply nodded and said he had nothing to tell him. He could tell Remus didn't believe him.

"Really Rem, it's nothing, just drop it!" Sirius raised his voice without meaning to, and watched Remus wilt in response. Fuck, why couldn't he hold it together? His head swarmed with warning signs, telling him to calm down and apologize, but another part of his brain told him to just get up and walk away, so that's what he did.

He put his cigarette out on the stone wall next to him, muttered an apology, and crawled back through the window. He left Remus sitting on the roof alone, his eyes brimming with a fresh set of tears.


	8. Hate

Sirius clambered through the window and back into the shared room, his brain screaming at him to turn around and _actually_ apologize to Remus, to tell him everything that has happened, but he couldn't.

He was scared the moment he began telling Remus things, he wouldn't be able to stop. He'd let the words tumble out of his mouth and eventually he'd admit his love for Remus and ruin their friendship forever. He would rather have Remus temporarily mad at him right now than lose him forever just because he can't control his fucking feelings.

He looked around for his leather jacket, finding it at the bottom of his trunk, before taking one last glance out the window at Remus, who still sat on the ledge with his head in his hands. Sirius was overcome with guilt, he didn't like hurting Remus, but it's what's best at the moment and he wishes he could explain that to him.

Throwing his jacket on, Sirius quickly exited the room and came barreling down the stairs into the common room.

James cocked his head, "Oi, where do you think you're going?" Sirius didn't even bother to stop to answer James, simply mumbling about needing air as he rushed out of the common room, swinging the portrait open so violently that The Fat Lady screamed, yelling at him as he made his way down the stairs.

It was only about half an hour until curfew, so the corridors were mainly empty, with just a few other students slowly making their ways to their dormitories. Sirius kept his head down, not sure where he's heading, but he knows he must look like a frantic mess. His mind was racing and all he wanted was something to help numb the pain.

As he rounded the corner, he saw a small group of Slytherins at the end of the hallway and decided to turn back around. He really didn't want to deal with whatever hate they had to hurl at him, but just before exiting the corridor he heard an all too familiar voice.

"She burned his face right off the family tapestry!" Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, the sound of his brother's cold laughter bounced off the walls.

It seemed his entire family has officially written him off, which shouldn't even bother him, but for some reason it did.

"Good!" Piped up one of Regulus's friends, "You don't want a pansy like him in your family anyways!"

Regulus scoffed in agreement, "Mum said she wishes she never gave birth to the faggot in the first place." Sirius winced at that word, at the way it fell off of his brother's lips so easily. The brother that he spent so much of his life protecting. The brother that used to bring him ice after a beating. The brother that he used to comfort at night when all they could hear was their parent's screaming.

Sirius was frozen in place, Regulus's callous words on repeat in his head. He was willing his feet to move so he could run as far away as he could, but they were stuck in place.

Of course, that was the moment one of Regulus's friends spotted him, "Ha! Speak of the devil, there's the fairy himself!" Regulus whipped around, making eye contact with his brother at the other end of the hallway, and watched as Sirius turned on his heel and ran.

Regulus called after him, his voice flooded with guilt, but Sirius was too upset to even notice. He continued running, not really knowing where he was heading, just knowing he needed an escape.

He ran until his brother's voice only existed in his memory and his lungs filled with fire. He came to a stop at the kitchens, making his way through the painting with the pear and into the empty room.

He stumbled around, his breathing rough, searching for the only thing he could think of: Fire Whisky. He knew the professors stashed it somewhere, and he was determined to find it.

After about five minutes of searching, he found some in a cabinet behind a stash of cauldron cakes. He grabbed an unopened bottle and made his way towards The Astronomy Tower, silently praying he wouldn't run into any professors, as it was now past curfew.

Sirius made it up to the tower with ease, sat himself down on the ledge, opened the bottle and took a swig. He welcomed the burn in his throat as if it were an old friend. The feeling of the Fire Whisky traveled through his body, and dropped into his empty stomach.

He thought about what his brother said, and imagined those same harsh slurs coming out of Remus's mouth, driven by hate and filled with disdain. He cried at the thought.

He rolled his sleeve up, staring at the harsh red lines that scattered his arm from wrist to elbow. Some of them freshly scabbed over, others healed long ago but left raised scars. A few of them ached from the lasting impression of Remus's hand tightening around them.

He hated himself. He hated his scars, he hated his urges, he hated his thoughts. He hated every last thing about himself. He hates that he thinks of Remus in such a way, and he hates that he's letting those thoughts ruin their friendship

Sirius spent the next two hours slowly nursing the bottle of Fire Whisky, trying to erase every last thought that crossed his mind. He tried to focus on the beautiful landscape below him, but found himself wondering how long it would take for him to hit the ground from there.

He shivered, the picture of his body grotesquely laid out on the lawn under the bright moon was stuck in his head. He tried to drown it in Fire Whisky, but it kept returning.

He stood up, swaying drunkenly, precariously close to the edge. What would it feel like, in those moments before his body hit the ground? Would he find himself scared, or would he finally feel free?

He knew he couldn't jump, though. After everything James has done for him, he couldn't imagine doing that to him. If it weren't for his friends, he wouldn't even hesitate, but the image of them crying over his grave is too much.

He grabbed the bottle of Fire Whisky, which was significantly lighter than it was when he arrived, and took one last swig before capping it, and then he slowly made his way back to Gryffindor Tower.

Meanwhile, Remus laid awake in his bed, the sound of Peter snoring filled the room. He was impatiently waiting for Sirius to come through the door, just to know that he's safe. It's been several hours now and he's beginning to worry. Should he wake James up? Should he go looking for him himself?

Suddenly, the door creaked open and Sirius stumbled inside. Remus could hear the slight sloshing of liquid, and watched as Sirius's silhouette bent over and placed something underneath his bed.

He narrowed his eyes, watching Sirius stagger as he attempted to stand back up. He started undressing, swaying as he kicked off his shoes and nearly fell over removing his trousers.

Without even thinking, Remus whispered, "Sirius?" The boy froze in place, "Sirius, are you drunk?"

He grunted, "What...What're you gonna do if I am?" His words slurred together, "Tell McGonagall?" He teetered back and forth, seemingly dangerously close to falling over.

"Merlin, you're pissed!" Remus whisper-shouted, not being able to believe that Sirius is standing - no, swaying - in front of him, drunk off his arse on the first day back.

Sirius laid down in his bed, sighing heavily, "Go to sleep, Remus," annoyance filled his voice, obviously wanting to end this conversation.

"Really, Pads? Really?" Remus was angry, but received no response. He doesn't understand what's wrong with Sirius, he's always been broody and reckless, but never like this. He's watched Sirius lose his temper many times before, of course. It didn't take much from Severus to have Sirius up in arms, but he's never lost his temper with Remus.

Remus was determined to break through Sirius's newly built walls and figure out what the hell happened this summer. He can't afford to lose him like this. He's always been saddened that he had to accept Sirius as nothing more than his friend, but he'd rather keep him close as a friend than watch Sirius slowly grow to hate him.

That night, Remus dreamt of clear gray eyes and a cunning smirk, but those eyes slowly turned stormy and the smirk opened, showing bared teeth. Through those teeth he heard three words, "I hate you," and Remus feared this was the truth.


	9. Hangover Tonic

Sirius awoke the following morning with his bed curtains being ripped open, and the face of James Potter hovering over him, "C'mon Pads! Gotta be at breakfast before Minnie hands out schedules!" Sirius flinched, not only was James _much_ too loud for Sirius's current hungover condition, but he was also unceremoniously spitting toothpaste in Sirius's face.

"Heh, sorry 'bout that," James licked his finger and went to clean the toothpaste off of Sirius's brow, but Sirius grabbed his wrist, "Don't you dare, Prongs! There's already enough of your saliva on me as is." James lifted his hands in defense before popping his toothbrush back into his mouth and heading into the bathroom. 

Sirius groaned and used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his face, simultaneously thanking drunk him for remembering to leave his long sleeved shirt on. One thing he wasn't going to thank drunk Sirius for, though, was the pounding headache he was experiencing. 

He sat up groggily, rubbing his face with his hands before turning to see Remus sitting on the end of his bed, already dressed and looking...well, fuck, he looked handsome. 

"Morning, thought you might want this," Sirius stared at the glass in Remus's hand, filled with a thick greenish-brown liquid, "It's a hangover tonic." 

James walked out of the bathroom and spotted the glass of sludge being handed to Sirius, "EW! Mate, you're not gonna drink that, are you? Moony, what IS THAT?" 

"It's just a hangover tonic, he came back pretty plastered last night, so I got up early and snatched one from Slughorn's inventory," he responded simply.

"Sirius Orion Black!" James screeched, throwing all of his weight onto one leg and resting his hand on his hip like a true mother, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't try to drink yourself to death anymore!"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Sorry, mum," he mumbled, taking a sniff at the tonic before reeling back in disgust, "Merlin, that's rank!" He tried to hand it back to Remus, prepared to deal with his pain instead.

"No, no, drink that and learn your lesson! No more alcohol for you without supervision!" He grabbed his school robes out of his trunk and began to head back towards the bathroom to change before stopping to add "Also, stop calling me mum, you know I don't like being compared to your mother!" He slammed the door behind him, which caused Peter to shoot out of bed, looking panicked.

Remus chuckled, "Peter, we tried getting you up three times! We were beginning to think you died!" Peter's face flushed, and Remus laughed a little harder. Sirius couldn't help but watch him as he laughed, loving the way his face lit up. 

The laughing died down and Remus turned back towards Sirius, "Drink your potion, Snuffles," pulling him out of his trance he was in. He began to blush, but covered it with a meaningful glare in response to the nickname. Then, he pinched his nose close and chugged the tonic as quickly as he could. 

"Gah, that's bad, that's really bad," He gagged, grabbing the water on his side table to wash it down with. Remus couldn't help but laugh a bit at his dramatics, rolling his eyes. 

"Well, maybe you can think of that taste next time you run off to get hammered," Remus's voice took on a tone that was all too genuine, and Sirius nodded sheepishly. 

Remus went to get up off of Sirius's bed, but Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. He glanced over to Peter, who was frantically trying to find his tie, before pulling Remus a little closer to him. He whispered, "I'm really sorry about last night, I didn't mean to get angry. It was nothing you did, I was just overwhelmed, I'm sorry."

Remus nodded, trying to form words but failing because _The_ Sirius Black was holding his hand. Of course he didn't intend to, he simply grabbed it, but he seemed to have forgotten to let go. _Merlin_ , he was so close to him too. Remus's eyes flickered down to Sirius's lips before focusing back up on his eyes, a clear gray. Not stormy with anger like in his nightmare, but clear and kind. He was still nodding, and he probably looked like a fool, but he couldn't get his body to form any other kind of response. Sirius was staring right back at him and Remus couldn't help but lean in, wanting to be closer, closer, closer...

"Sirius!" James stormed out of the bathroom and the two boys jumped back, "I will not hesitate to leave you behind if you don't get dressed this very instant! Oh, and Peter, your tie is literally around your neck you git!"

Remus stood up, digging his hands in his pockets before excusing himself to the restroom. 

Sirius ran his hands through his hair, not really knowing what the hell just happened. Was Remus leaning towards him? No, no, that's not possible. He's imagining things, he has to be. He shook his head, forcing himself out of bed and out of whatever thoughts were racing through his mind. He quickly slipped into his trousers before James or Peter could turn around and see the angry red lines on his thighs.

A mere ten minutes later, The Marauders were sitting at their table in the Great Hall and James was already staring dreamily at Lily. Sirius desperately hoped he wasn't that obvious with Remus. 

"Mr. Pettigrew, _please_ keep your mouth closed as you chew," McGonagall said sternly as she walked by with their schedules, dropping them in front of the crew as she passed. 

Sirius elbowed James to tear his attention off Lily, just to have James take one look at the schedule and groan, "Really? Double period of potions first thing? I can't put up with Slughorn for a normal amount of time as it is, and especially not first thing in the morning!"

Peter chuckled, "Even better, we have it with Slytherin." James groaned even louder, sounding like a child throwing a tantrum.

Their schedules were all the same, down to the electives and free periods, they made sure of that. Especially since this year is their O.W.L.s, so they can all study together. 

James was still having a pity party, so Sirius grabbed a bacon sandwich and waved it in front of his face, causing him to immediately snap out of it and dig into the sandwich. Sirius scoffed, "It's too easy, really," drawing a light laugh from Remus.

Sirius would be lying if he said he didn't get butterflies every time he made Remus laugh. He would be perfectly content spending the rest of his life just making him laugh, basking in his warm glow. 

Breakfast passed quickly and before they knew it, The Marauders were trudging towards their first class, and James was back to his tantrums. 

"I just don't understand how I'm expected to put up with Severus AND Slughorn for a double period every Monday morning! That's just impossible!" 

Lily pranced up, "Oh, James, it's good to hear some people just don't change!" She giggled as James flailed his arms, causing Lily to laugh even more before jogging to catch up with Severus.

Sirius patted James on the back, "Mate, that was hard to watch." James glared at him, walking in silence the rest of the way to class. 

Upon their arrival, Slughorn asked them all to gather before kicking into his speech, "Welcome, welcome to your fifth year at Hogwarts! Isn't it exciting? How many of you are ready for your O.W.L.s?" The classroom was silent, "Yes, yes, thought so. That's why we must pay close attention this year! So, I'm sure you're all excited to find out what we'll be brewing up this year!" He laughed at his own joke, which is good since no one else did.

"To start off, this week, we will be brewing Veritaserum, the ever so powerful truth serum! Then, we will tackle Amortentia, the strongest love potion in the world," A couple of the girls in the class perked up upon hearing that, and so did James.

Slughorn continued to drone on, but Remus turned to James and whispered, "Under **no** circumstances are you to use Amortentia on Lily," which felt _extremely_ necessary to say.

James's shoulders slumped, "Yeah, I know," he said dejectedly. 

Finally, Slughorn ended his speech and allowed them to all sit as he began his lecture on Veritaserum, stating that they will begin brewing it later in the week. 

The rest of the day, and the week, continued on in this manner. Mainly just boring lectures, with small breaks for the boys to joke around. Remus and James were both glad to see that Sirius seemed to be doing pretty well. Of course, they forgot one little fact about their dearest Sirius Black: What they see from him is merely the tip of the iceberg, and so much more lay underneath that they didn't know about.


	10. Truth or Dare

It was the end of their first week back and honestly, Remus was fully prepared to curl up with a good book and block the rest of the world out.

James, though, had other plans, which is why he forced them all to gather in the dorm as he stood on top of his trunk, waving his hands and clearing his throat dramatically.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" He began, to which Sirius snarkily replied, "We're all blokes, Prongs."

"Yes, Sirius, I am aware. See, I was going to have Lily join us but seeing as I am apparently 'an annoying git,' we will have to go without her lovely presence this evening," He frowned before continuing, "But alas, we prevail, for tonight I have a special surprise in store for you lads! Thanks to our favorite dynamic duo, Wolf Boy and Snufflekins, I bring you the highest graded Veritaserum in the class!" He pulled a small vial out of his jacket pocket.

Remus's jaw dropped, "How in the world did you get that?"

"Ah, my dearest Remus, some things must stay a secret!" He exclaimed.

Sirius scoffed, "You snuck in with your invisibility cloak, didn't you?"

He sighed, "C'mon Sirius, does the magic of show business not matter to you? Really?" This drew a laugh from all of the boys.

Peter chirped up, "Can you just tell us what you have planned already?"

"Fine! Since none of you appreciate me, I suppose I will be boring now," he got off of his trunk, opened it, and pulled out a bottle of Fire Whisky, "I was thinking we have a rather fun game of Truth or Dare?"

Sirius laughed heartily, "Now that's what I'm talking about!" He grabbed the bottle from James, who cast him a warning glance.

Soon enough, they were all sitting on the floor of their room, James sat next to Peter, with Remus and Sirius across from them. The sound of one of Sirius's favorite muggle rock bands, The Rolling Stones, played faintly from a radio he enchanted last year.

James clapped his hands, "Alright, let's get this party started!" He took a swig of Veritaserum and then passed it along. After everyone had a dose, they all took a shot of Fire Whisky to start things off.

Sirius started them off, "James, my brother, truth or dare?"

"What do you think?" He wiggled his eyebrows mischievously.

"Oh, dearest Prongsy," Sirius laughed evilly, "I dare you to find and eat the cauldron cake that Wormtail dropped behind his bed at the end of last year." Peter burst out laughing.

James recoiled in disgust, "Mate, that's disgusting!"

"Is James Potter saying no to a dare?" Sirius said with a smirk.

"No!" He shot up to his feet, "James Potter never says no to a dare!" He immediately marched towards Peter's bed and reached behind, wiggling his arm around for a moment before triumphantly lifting a slightly discolored cauldron cake into the air.

He lifted it towards his face, crinkling his nose a little, before throwing it up in the air and catching it, "It's practically rock hard, I can't eat this!"

They all collectively booed him, so he rolled his eyes, "Fine, but if I die, you lot have to carry me to the hospital wing!" He proceeded to open his mouth wide and take _way_ too big of a bite.

He began to gag the moment it touched his tongue, spitting it out in his hand and throwing it in the trash, all while yelling that he needed water, but all they had was Fire Whisky, so he grabbed the bottle and proceeded to take several large chugs. They all whooped and hollered as he gasped, turning green.

Remus yelled, "If you vomit, it better be in the trash!" James held up a finger to him, taking another moment to breathe, bent over with his head between his knees.

"Ugh," he took one last deep breath before sitting back down, "That was awful!" He scraped his tongue with his fingers, trying to get any cauldron cake remnants out of his mouth.

Sirius was still laughing, his eyes brimming with tears, "Mate, that just made my year!"

Peter cut in, "Okay, okay, Padfoot!" Sirius took a moment to breathe and wipe his eyes, and then allowed Peter to continue, "Truth or dare?"

"You know what, let's test out this potion! Truth!" He exclaimed, hoping Peter wouldn't ask him anything _too_ revealing.

"Which lovely lady of yours has been your favorite sexual conquest?" He laughed, not seeing the nervous glance James cast to Sirius, or the way Remus's shoulders slumped.

Sirius didn't even take a moment to think before simply answering, "None of them."

Peter and Remus both furrowed their eyebrows, the latter asking, "What do you mean 'none of them'?"

"I mean I didn't really enjoy any of them," Sirius shrugged before picking up the bottle of Fire Whisky and taking a swig, trying to keep him mouth busy so he didn't say anything else.

James noticed Sirius's slight distress, so he chimed in, "I believe it is Peter's turn now!" His voice a bit squeakier than usual. The distraction worked excellently on Peter, as any distraction does, but Remus was left wondering what James and Sirius were hiding.

The game continued on and the bottle of Fire Whisky got continually emptier. Soon enough, they had learned that Peter had a snogging session with Mary at the end of last year, and they had been sending letters back and forth all summer, and that James has never gone further than second base because he was apparently saving himself for Lily. Remus hadn't picked truth once the entire game, which meant he was now sitting in nothing other than his boxers.

Sirius hoped that his friends would think the blush that was slowly finding its way to his cheeks was from the alcohol, and not from sneaking peeks of Remus's _very_ fit body. Remus had always been sort of lean and lanky, but now he's obviously started to fill out, and Sirius nearly had to excuse himself to the bathroom when he took his shirt off.

He turned his attention back to James, who was now performing his best rendition of Shakespeare's Hamlet, and failing miserably. Peter threw a pillow at him, demanding he stops ruining literature for everyone and James finally gave in and drunkenly sat back down.

Upon sitting back down, he turned his attention onto Remus, "Moony, I would ask you truth or dare," He slurred his words together, "but seeing as all you have left to lose is your boxers, I would hope you'd pick truth."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Fine, truth I suppose." He immediately regretted his decision once he saw the mischievous look on James's face. Maybe taking off his boxers wouldn't be too bad?

It was too late though, as James asked, "Who do you fancy?"

Sirius gave James a look that said _"What the actual fuck are you doing?"_ but James ignored him, so he turned his attention to Remus, whose mouth didn't seem to be working.

"I- well, you see, um, I...There is this...this one person..." He fought back to urge to spit out Sirius's name. He was thankful that this question was at least brought up further into the game, so the Veritaserum's effects were easier to fight off...but not entirely.

"C'mon Moony, give us a name!" James pressed.

"I'm not telling you his name!" He shouted before realizing what he said and smacking a hand over his mouth, his eyes panicked. _No, NO, oh my god, did he just say HIS?_

Sirius and Peter's jaws both dropped, and James looked entirely too pleased with himself. Remus looked anxiously between them all before shooting up and running out of the room.

Sirius sat stunned, his mouth hanging open as he stared at the spot Remus was just sitting in. Did he really just say his crush is a boy?

James waved his hand in front of Sirius's face, "Mate, snap out of it! Go after him!"

"How am I even supposed to know where he went?" Sirius snapped back.

Peter looked between the two, "Sorry, uh, is there something that I'm missin-"

"Not now Peter, sorry," James cut him off before turning his attention back on Sirius, "He's in nothing but his boxers, I doubt he went further than the common room!"

"And what do you suggest I say to him?" Sirius half-shouted, his voice slightly trembling.

"You're Sirius Black, work your charm!" James exclaimed, jumping up and pulling Sirius up with him. He turned Sirius towards the door, opened it, and then pushed him out.

"James Potter, I swear to god if you-" His threat was cut short by the door slamming in his face and the sound of the lock clicking. He let his head fall against it, breathing shallow, quick breaths. What the hell is he supposed to say to Remus? _Hey, you like blokes and so do I! Wanna shag?_

He has to admit, though, part of him is relieved. At least now he knows Remus won't hate him for being gay, but now there's a whole new part of him stressing out, because who does Remus like? Will he have to watch Remus be with another boy?


	11. Unworthy

Remus sat on the sofa against the wall, the window behind him cracked open so he could hear the pitter patter of the rain outside. He was shaking, his breath came in quick bursts as tears streamed down his face. He dug his face into his hands, trying to control his breathing, but he couldn't seem to. Suddenly, there was a presence next to him.

He looked up to see Sirius sitting next to him, his back to the side of the couch so he was facing Remus with his feet up on the sofa. Sirius's hands shook slightly as he pulled out a cigarette, "Mind if I?" He gestured towards the cigarette and Remus shook his head, signaling that he didn't mind. He watched as Sirius lit it and took a deep breath, followed my smoke pouring out of his nose and mouth.

Sirius looked at him sadly, reaching out a shaky hand to rest on Remus's bare thigh, "It's okay, you know?" He said quietly, his voice softer than Remus had ever heard it, "None of us mind if you're gay."

Remus wiped his tears, "No, no, I'm not gay," Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, "I'm bisexual."

"Well, that's fine too. None of us mind Remus," He took a drag off his cigarette, and removed his hand from Remus's thigh, "Especially me," his voice trembled, and he sighed out the smoke that filled his lungs.

Remus cocked his head, silently pushing Sirius to explain, "I...I'm gay." He said it slowly, refusing to make eye contact with Remus as he fiddled with his cigarette nervously.

"You? Womanizer Sirius Black? _You_ are gay?" His voice was filled with disbelief and carefully hidden hope.

Sirius smiled sheepishly, "Yeah, uh, I thought at first maybe I just needed to find the right girl, so I tried a few of them," He crinkled his nose in distaste, "I was definitely wrong."

Remus laughed lightly and Sirius finally met his eyes, laughing with him and damn it, it felt good. It felt so good to stop hiding and to just laugh freely for a moment.

"So...have you ever, you know, with a guy before?" Remus asked innocently.

Sirius shook his head, taking another drag off his cigarette, flicking some of the ash off the end before asking, "You?"

Remus blushed, "No, never even kissed anyone." Sirius couldn't believe no one has given Remus a proper snog yet. He thinks about doing it every time he sees him, for Merlin's sake!

They both sat in silence, feeling the slight tension in the air, neither sure what to say. The rain was getting harder now, and Remus started to shiver as the cold air drifted in.

Sirius noticed the other boy's shivers, "Do you wanna go back upstairs? Maybe put a shirt on?" He said with a laugh.

"No, I'm sort of enjoying just sitting here with you," he said, making Sirius's stomach flip.

"Well, here," Sirius slipped his leather jacket off, "At least put this on." Remus accepted the jacket with a smile and put it on. It fit nicely, a little too short on his arms, as he was a bit taller than Sirius. Sirius carried more muscle than him, though, thanks to Quidditch. Even with Sirius's sudden weight loss, he managed to keep on quite a bit of muscle.

He watched as Sirius smoked some more, subconsciously pulling down the sleeves of his shirt every once in a while. Remus silently worked up the courage to ask the question he's been trying to ask Sirius all week.

"Pads," he paused, looking deeply into Sirius's eyes, "What happened over the summer?"

Sirius glanced away, worrying at his lip, before clearing his throat, "I ran away, for good this time. Went straight to James's and his parents took me in." 

"Why, though? What made this time different?" Remus asked, keeping his voice soft and kind, careful not to make him angry again.

Sirius could see the slight trepidation in Remus's eyes and cursed himself for snapping at him both those times. He worried at his lip some more, stamping out this cigarette on the windowsill, trying to think of what to say.

"My parents," He cleared his throat once more, trying to keep his voice steady, "They, uh, starved me most of the summer. Banned me from meals at least three times a week, and my dad, well he's always made sure to outdo himself each year," His voice cracked, so he took a deep breath before continuing, "The beatings kept getting worse and worse. He started using the Cruciatus curse against me, too. I swear he nearly killed me a couple of times."

Sirius paused, shaking and close to tears. Remus laid a comforting hand on his thigh, giving him all the time he needed.

"So, I started drinking...a lot...and then, one night, he almost did it. Right during family dinner, he almost killed me. The next morning, they called me down and he was there," Sirius didn't have to say his name, Remus knew who he meant, "And they told him to mark me, to make me a Death Eater, and I refused. I ran, they tried to kill me, but I ran. I showed up on James's doorstep, and I thought I was going to die. I was drunk off my arse, and I was convinced I was about to die, and I was okay with that."

He shook his head, "I was okay with it," he repeated, and then he let his tears fall.

Remus didn't know what to say, so he did the only thing he could think of and he wrapped Sirius in his arms. Sirius hugged back tightly, holding onto Remus like he was the only thing anchoring him to the world, because he kind of was.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, and then Sirius pulled away to dry his eyes, "Sorry, that was a lot, I'm sorry.'

"Never be sorry. _I'm_ sorry that you had to endure that, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. You deserve the world, Sirius." He said it with so much conviction that Sirius believed him. For the first time in so long, Sirius thought maybe he was more than a sad story.

It was odd to see Sirius fall apart like this. Remus wasn't used to seeing behind Sirius's confident exterior, but he was eternally grateful that Sirius finally told him.

"Enough about me!"He exclaimed, trying to keep his voice positive as he moved into something that might hurt him even more than reciting his story, "I want to hear more about this crush of yours!"

Sirius watched as the skin under Remus's freckles turned an adorable shade of pink, "Oh, uh, really, it's not much! It's really not important!"

"Oh, come on! Don't be like that, Rem!" He lightly shoved Remus's shoulder with his own.

"Fine, okay. He's in the same year as us and he's, uh..." Remus panicked for a moment, trying to think of anyone other than Sirius, "He's a Hufflepuff!"

Sirius felt like he was deflating, but he kept a smile plastered on, "That's it? 5th year Hufflepuff? Real interesting bloke you got there!"

"Okay, okay!" Remus blushed even harder, trying to think of a way to describe Sirius without him knowing it's him, "He's kind and he's smart, but you wouldn't think so at first because he acts like an _absolute_ airhead. He's funny too, very funny, and he knows it. Oh, and he _definitely_ knows he's hot too!"

It was taking all the energy left in Sirius's body to keep his smile up, "He sounds like a keeper, Moons. Why don't you go after him?"

"Oh, there's no way he likes me! I mean, sure, he likes boys, but he'd never like me." Remus ducked his head, staring straight down to the ground, trying to hide how flustered he was.

Sirius's smile faltered, how could Remus not know how perfect he is? He put his hand under Remus's chin and lifted it, forcing him to make eye contact, "I better not hear you saying you're unworthy."

Remus cast his eyes downward, so Sirius grabbed the sides of his face, "Remus, look at me," Suddenly, hazel eyes met gray, "You're perfect. Always remember, no matter what your mind tells you, that you are perfect."

Their faces were close, so close that Sirius could feel Remus's breath mingle with his own. He can make out every single freckle on the boy's face, and could see the beginning and end of each and every scar. He always thought Remus's eyes were predominately brown, but now he sees a bright circle of green surrounding the iris, exploding into the most beautiful chocolate brown. Remus's face was warm under his hands, and Sirius wondered if Remus could feel the way he was shaking.

It's Remus who broke the spell first, pulling his face back with a muttered, "Thank you, Sirius."

"Yeah, uh," Sirius nodded, "No problem. If you ever need a wingman, you know who to come to." He stood up and awkwardly backed up, running into the coffee table behind him. He blushed and laughed before saying, "Goodnight, Rem."

"Oh! Your jacket!" Remus yelled after him, starting to take it off, but Sirius stopped him, "No, hold on to it for a bit, for good luck." He cast a wink at Remus before turning back around.

Remus watched as Sirius made his way back upstairs, listening for the sound of their dormitory door closing before groaning loudly. _His wingman! His bloody wingman!_

He spent the next half hour laying on the sofa, with his face dug inside of Sirius's jacket, breathing in the smell of his cologne, cigarettes, and Fire Whisky. He also picked up on a faint smell of wet dog. which he shouldn't like, but he did. It reminded him of all those mornings he woke up in The Shrieking Shack with Padfoot cuddled around him. He imagined what it would be like to lay in Sirius's arms, completely engulfed in his scent and his warmth.

Eventually, Remus forced himself off of the sofa and up the stairs. Upon entering the dark room, he heard small snores, signaling that everyone else has already passed out.

He quietly took off Sirius's leather jacket and set it on his side table, crawling into bed in his boxers.

That night, Remus dreamt of wild black curls and strong hands. He imagined those hands holding his face again, except this time they didn't let go.


	12. Rage

"Hold onto it for a bit, for good luck." Sirius said with a forced wink before turning back around and heading up the stairs.

The moment he turned his back on Remus, his eyes welled with tears and he could feel his heart splitting in two. He already knew there was no way Remus liked him, but having conformation of that fact is hurting him even more than he thought it would. He feels as if the final piece of him has shattered, and now there's nothing left to keep all of his walls up. 

He slid back inside their dorm room, nearly tripping over Peter, who lay unconscious on the floor. James laughed from his bed, making some joke about how much of a lightweight Peter is, but Sirius's mind was too busy to process anything James was saying.

Instead, he cut James off from whatever stupid joke he was making, "Real good fucking plan you had there, mate. Were you gonna run that one by me first?"

James's face fell, "I'm sorry, I thought-"

"Thought what, James? Thought fucking what? That we'd play a fun little game and Remus would confess his love for me and everything would be peachy?" He was shouting and he knew he needed to calm down and lower his voice. His face started to heat up, and he suddenly realized he was clenching his fists tightly.

"Pads, I'm sorry, I thought he'd say your name!" James said honestly.

Sirius tugged at his hair, trying not to take all of his anger out on James, who clearly thought he was doing the right thing, "Why the fuck would he?"

"I was watching him all week, ever since you told me, and he stares at you constantly!"

"WELL YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!" Sirius screams, not even noticing he advanced on James, grabbing him by his collar and pushing him against the wall. James's shirt bunched up in Sirius's fist, "OKAY? YOU'RE WRONG!"

"Um, Sirius?" Both boys whipped their heads around to see Peter, who must have been awakened by the yelling, "Sorry, um, could you maybe let go of him?"

Sirius turned his head back towards James, noticing the fear on his face, and quickly let go of his shirt, sending James sliding down the wall towards the ground, his eyes still brimming with fear. 

Sirius backed away, his hands out defensively in front of him, "I'm sorry, fuck, I'm sorry I'm so sorry," he repeated his apologies over and over until they became a whisper. How could he fill his best friend with so much terror? Maybe he's more like his parents than he thought. He backed away until he hit his bed and slid to the ground, sitting with his knees tucked to his chest as he rocked back and forth and continued apologizing.

Peter tentatively reached out for Sirius, "Mate?"

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, fuck, I didn't mean to," His words were barely recognizable past the sobs that racked his body. He wants to run, he wants to run so far away and leave this place behind and forget he was ever here, that he ever hurt anyone, that any of this existed. He doesn't even hear Peter and James trying to get him to calm down, he was too busy drowning inside of his own head. 

How could every piece of his life fall apart so effortlessly in such a short amount of time? What could he have done in some past life to deserve this? 

A sudden shake of his shoulders brought him back to the present. He looked up to see James and Peter both crouched in front of him, their faces painted with concern.

"It's okay, mate, you're okay," James said calmingly as he tried gently pulling Sirius up off the ground. He got Sirius onto his feet and pulled him into a tight hug, feeling Sirius immediately sink into his arms as if he hadn't felt human touch in twelve years. His body shook profusely as James rubbed his back and sent a concerned look to Peter, who stood frozen and wide eyed, shocked to see Sirius lose control like this.

James hugged Sirius even tighter as he reassured him, "You don't need to be sorry, I need to be sorry. I shouldn't have done that without running it past you first. You have every right to be angry with me, I'm sorry."

Sirius trembled in his best friend's arms, taking heaving gasps of air but never quite feeling like his lungs were filling up. 

Peter laughed awkwardly, "He's gotta be serious, I mean, have you ever heard _THE_ James Potter apologize before?" This drew a laugh out of Sirius, a sad laugh, but a laugh nonetheless, which had Peter _literally_ patting himself on the back.

James released Sirius from his arms, "Why don't you wash up and get some sleep, huh?" Sirius quietly nodded as he stared at the ground, wiping his tears off his red stained cheeks, and then finally pulling his eyes off the ground to meet James's, muttering a quiet thank you before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. 

James waited until he heard the water running in the bathroom before turning on Peter, "Tell me exactly how much you heard," he demanded with a hushed yet intimidating tone.

"I...Well...Um, I kind of heard everything..." Peter whispered back, his eyes shifting nervously.

James grabbed Peter by the shoulders, "You will not say _anything_ to Sirius about what you know, and nothing to Remus either! This stays between us, understood?"

Peter fervently nodded his head, "Of course, yeah, but uh, do you have anything planned? I mean, maybe we shouldn't meddle, but..."

"But they're idiots? Yeah. I'll try to figure something out, but in the meantime, stay out of it and tell me if Sirius acts off, okay?" Concerned seeped into James's voice, he just wants to make sure Sirius doesn't do anything drastic.

"He's been off since the moment I saw him on the train!" Peter exclaimed, maybe a little too loudly.

James slapped his hand over Peter's mouth, "Shh! I know that! We all know that! Just let me know if he says or does anything _especially_ off, yeah?"

Peter slowly nodded, trying to speak but still being muffled by James's hand. James apologetically pulls his hand away, allowing for Peter to speak, "Is that why he's been like this?"

"Yes. Well, no. Not entirely. Kind of?" James doesn't exactly know how to answer that question, "That's part of it, but that wasn't supposed to be how you found out. This is all supposed to happen on his terms, so if he tries to come out to you, you _need_ to pretend like this is all new to you." 

Everyone knows Peter can't act for shit, but he'll try, for Sirius's sake. Just then, the water turns off and Sirius walks out of the bathroom, the tension in the air palpable. Peter panics and tries to pretend things are normal, his voice taking on a higher pitch than usual, "Ah! Dearest wonderful Sirius! One of my closest friends, for whom my love would never falter for any reason! Feeling better?"

Sirius passes a confused look towards James, who is just standing like a deer in the headlights, before looking back to Peter, "Uh, sure?"

The three just stand there for a moment, staring at one another. 

"Welp! Time for bed, I suppose! Goodnight!" Peter scurries towards his bed, getting in and then closing the curtain. 

Sirius gives James a look that says _What the fuck was that about_ , to which James just shrugs, "You know he gets weird when he drinks," He pats Sirius on the back, "Goodnight brother o' mine." 

Sirius mutters a goodnight in return and then goes to rifle through his trunk for a moment before realizing James is still just standing there, staring at him.

"James?" He waved his hand in front of his best friend's face, snapping him out of his solo staring contest.

"Yeah?" 

"Your bed is over there," Sirius points towards James's bunk.

"I know," James states, rocking back and forth on his heels with a tightly pursed mouth.

"Then why are you still standing by mine?"

"I just..." James takes a moment, grabbing Sirius's shoulders, "I just wanted to say that I love you." There's a type of sincerity in his voice that Sirius has never heard from him before.

His eyes well up at this, he's not sure he's ever actually been told that before. Of course, he's heard the passing "Love ya!" from friends and Regulus, but to have someone stand in front of him and truly tell him that he is loved...well he just didn't think he deserved something like that.

"I love you too, Prongs." Sirius returns, his throat tight with emotion. 

James nods a bit awkwardly, he's not very used to emotional moments like this, despite having encountered a lot of them recently. Sirius nodded back, both of them not sure what to do now. James decides on some classic finger gun action, as he slowly backs away from this intimate moment and into his bed.

Once James is in bed with the curtains pulled, Sirius spells the lights off and lets the façade fall as he sinks into his own bunk. He got so close to hurting James, who knows what he would've done if Peter didn't interrupt him. 

Sirius hopes Peter hadn't been awake for long before that. What if he was? What if he heard everything? How many more people are going to know his secret before he's even ready to fully admit it himself? 

_Fuck, things are really getting out of hand._

He almost hurt his best friend, his new brother, the only person now to ever tell him that he is loved. How could he be such an evil fucking person? Why can't he just control his stupid anger? He just wants a distraction from this pain, he wants anything else, but James is only a couple feet away. 

_You can hold out for tonight._

What the fuck is going to happen tomorrow? For the rest of this weekend? This semester? He's just going to have to sit around knowing Remus is pining after a boy that isn't him? 

His parents were right. There's something terribly wrong with him. He shouldn't have been born this way. He shouldn't have been born at all. 

_Okay, breathe Sirius, breathe._

He slowly calms down, trying his best to drift off to sleep, praying he has a night free of terrors, free of the constant replay of abuse that always tends to happen in his dreams. 

He's lucky he hasn't had a horrid nightmare here yet. James has only heard them a couple of times, and still doesn't really know how to handle them, and he'd hate if he woke Peter or Remus instead of James. 

_Don't even think about that right now._

He tries to focus on the sound of Peter's soft snores when he hears the door creak open, signaling Remus's entrance. He watches from the crack in his curtains as Remus tiptoes through the room, taking off the leather jacket before crawling into bed. 

Sirius yearns to reach for him, to ask for his comfort, to just be held and be told that things were going to be okay and that he isn't a monster.

But he is. He is a monster. He becomes more acutely aware of that fact with every passing day. 

He's filled with a hot, burning rage. Rage at himself, for being the way that he is. Rage at his parents, for doing the things they did to him, but also for not killing him when they had the chance. Rage at the world and at life and at his destiny, his destiny to forever just be a cowardly mess of open wounds and sad stories. Rage that piled up inside him until it felt like it was eating him alive. Rage that he didn't seem to have control over anymore.


End file.
